it's been a while

ok, so i am now going to use this blog to help me lose weight. i hate losing weight. i don't like to be fat, but giving up stuff i really like makes me super-crabby. plus, i'm under a lot of stress at work and i'm taking organic chemistry, which makes me want to stuff my face.

so i started today. here were my goals:

no elevator at work
no snacking
drink 2 16 oz bottles of water

i did two out of three. i only got 1.5 of the bottles, but i drank a cup of herbal tea. here's what i ate:

raisin bran with almond milk
oatmeal at 10am
turkey sandwich with reduced-fat mayo
yoplait yogurt
chocolate chip cookie
1/2 granola bar
chicken soup with croutons

i feel like i'm missing something. i am super-bloated right now, so i feel like the fattest piece of shit in the world. i think i've gained 10 pounds since january, but i'm afraid to step on the scale. so if i can't stop eating like crap for a couple of days i might be able to do it. i'm totally scared.

i would like to lose 5 pounds in april. that's a little more than a pound a week. my problem is that i get tired of holding back. i just give in. i have no strength to not eat sweets. after i eat breakfast and i get into work, i'm hungry, so i'll get a danish from our cafeteria. and every day i say i'll get stuff for salad, but then i don't. and if i do, they rot in the fridge after my eating it once.

when i was on weight watchers, all i did was eat 100 calorie packs every day. not so nutritious. i need more veggies in my life. i didn't eat any today. or yesterday. bah.

i can do this. and if the fucking weather would like to cooperate, i can get off my ass and ride my bike and rollerblade and use the track across the street. i don't have class next week (spring break) and i'll go to the hated gym. if i can find my card. grrr.

why can't i just wake up and be thin? why is it so much harder to lose it than it is to gain it?