double-edged sword of fatness

this wasn't supposed to just be a blog about what i'm eating, but how i'm feeling. i have noticed some sad trends in my lifestyle that i'd like to put down on virtual paper.

1) i've never been able to lose weight when i try to just lose weight. when i was 13 and 160, i joined track, because i was tired of being the fat kid on the sidelines. i was never fast, but it was fun being part of a team. i barely remember that first season in 8th grade, but when i got on the scale a few months later, i weighed 135. just. like. that. i didn't have to alter my eating, but running every day after school really put a dent in my fatness. without even trying. i also went down to 11% body fat.

2) when i work out now (at the gym), i get so hungry later in the day that i can't control my eating. and i certainly don't work out hard enough to warrant eating as much as i do, but somehow in my mind, i justify to myself.

3) if i cut back my eating, i don't have enough energy to work out.

4) i cannot seem to sacrifice anything. i put sugar on my rice krispies. 1.5 teaspoons, but i just CAN'T eat it without that sugar on it. it makes me sad. it makes me feel like.... i don't know. i think i just need to force myself to do it and suffer through the emotional part. but being 35 and not having had to sacrifice anything pretty much my whole life, it's really hard.

5) when given the choice of instant gratification and results in the future, i will go for the instant gratification almost all the time. if it's a difference between one day or so, i might delay something, but if it's pizza now versus thinner thighs in two weeks (maybe, if i work out every fucking day), i'm going for the pizza. i just don't see the benefit. i'm not seeing any results, so why torture myself?

i hate every aspect of losing weight. i'm just not very good at it. and until i get a personal chef and trainer, i just feel like it's not going to work. and i'm not getting any support from anyone. it's just too hard.

band wagon

i have fallen off. not to the point where i'm eating KFC every day, but i don't feel comfortable getting on a scale. plus it's the week before my period.

not that anyone is reading this blog anyway, so it doesn't matter what i do. maybe after the holidays are over and i don't feel like life has been shitting on me every waking second of the day, i'll be back. maybe.

Monday, Dec 21

I hate waking up on Mondays because I am always suffering from a food hang-over. you'd think i'd learn one of these days.

BREAKFAST
oatmeal w/ brown sugar and cinnamon

SNACK
popcorn

LUNCH
banana
lean cuisine
one danish butter cookie (bleh)

Sunday, Dec 20

BREAKFAST
rice krispies

SNACK
rice krispies

LUNCH
turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread with light mayo
one peanut butter cup cookie
one raspberry thumbprint cookie

SNACK
can't remember

DINNER
baked chicken
mashed potatoes
peas

DESSERT
edy's light ice cream, which i shouldn't have had. wasn't very hungry for it. bleh.

Saturday, Dec 19

today is the Latko pizza party. in past years, i have gorged myself and been miserable and have also paced myself and been just fine. it's hard to not eat 5 pieces in one sitting, but when they make 10 pizzas throughout the night, that can add up to a lot of pieces.

BREAKFAST
rice krispies

SNACK
none

LUNCH
cookie dough i baked cookies today. it was my lunch and my snack

SNACK
see above

DINNER
pizza!! i also ate some tortilla chips with guac for an appetizer. i can't remember if i ate a cookie or two, but i think i saved room for nothing but pizza. i tried to eat one piece per pie, and it was usually the corner pieces. i was still stuffed when we left at 10pm

Friday, Dec 18

i was anti-working out last night, so i decided to get up and work out this morning. i got to the gym around 7 and left around 7:50. not too shabby. i got to work around 8ish. plus, i found out that i can play solitaire while i am on the treadmill. the time went by pretty quickly.

BREAKFAST
oatmeal w/ 2 tsp brown sugar and cinnamon

AFTER WORKOUT
banana
blueberry yogurt

SNACK
popcorn yes, at 10:30am

LUNCH
Lean Cuisine. i wanted the stir fry from the caf, but thankfully, i had no cash

SNACK
can't remember (posting on 12/21)

DINNER
burger w/ fries at The Edgewater

i went out on an impromptu date with my hubby and we went out to dinner and to a movie. good stuff.

Thoughts on food #1

here is my first observation about how i am eating:

1) drinking diet pop in the morning instead of tea ramps up my sugar cravings. i find that i'm hungrier quicker than if i drank drank tea. i also find it harder to resist sweets when i drink diet pop in the morning. in the afternoon or evening, it doesn't seem to bother me too much.

2) rice krispies for breakfast doesn't hold me very long. it's good and it's quick, but i am usually hungry again by the time i get to work. oatmeal can usually hold me until 10am.

Thursday, Dec 17

ok, i still haven't gone out to replenish my black tea supply, so i bought a cherry coke zero from the vending machines at work. more thoughts on that later.

the fat wagon is still running me over, as you will see in a moment.

BREAKFAST
rice krispies w/ sugar and almond milk


5 (count them, 5) cookies from a holiday platter. they were about 2" in diameter. and they were really good. i couldn't stop eating them, every time i walked past the platter, i would snag one.

LUNCH
lean cuisine mac & cheese

SNACK
2 more cookies.

DINNER
rotini with paul newman's sauce.

here, i ran into some more problems. i really had this craving for more food, but i couldn't figure out what i wanted. i keep sneaking chocolate chips, thinking that's what i wanted, but that damn craving stuck around. i had a pudding cup. then, at 9pm, i ate a salad. that's what i was craving, salad. who would have thunk it?

SNACK
pudding cup
romaine lettuce w/ light ranch and cucumbers.

Wednesday, Dec 16

ah, another cold and sunny morning. blah. i hate getting up before the sunrise and trudging out in the cold. i guess i'm happy i don't have to walk to the train anymore. ugh.

i slept like shit last night. not only was i having some sort of indigestion, but i just couldn't get warm. even after i put on more layers, i still had goose bumps. every time i rolled over, i'd wake up because i'd remember how cold i was. finally, at 5am, i was toasty and sleeping like the dead. and had to get up an hour later. :( plus, my stomach was so painfully empty, i had to get up to eat a banana.

BREAKFAST
rice krispies w/ almond milk and 1 tsp sugar

i ran out of black tea, so i stopped by walgreens to pick up a diet cherry pepsi. probably not the best choice, but when you cut back on everything, there has to be a little joy somewhere, right?

[LATER]
holy cow, not only did i fall off the wagon, it ran me over a few times.

LUNCH
chicken wrap in the caf, with ranch and fries. goddamn, was it good. i was STARVING.

SNACK
can't remember. maybe nothing because i ate a big lunch.

DINNER
PIZZA HUT!!!! half of a large pizza. i enjoyed every. damn. piece. i had a shite day and did some emotional eating to make myself feel better. it worked.

no dessert.

Tuesday, Dec 15

Ooops. i forgot to blog about my food for today. so forgive the past-tense.

today was much better than monday. i ate breakfast, which always helps, and ate small things when my stomach or brain said, "you must eat!"

BREAKFAST
1/2 serving quaker quick oats w/ brown sugar and cinnamon

SNACK
Quaker Weight Control oatmeal (bleh)

LUNCH
Lean Cuisine pasta something-or-other
lemon yoplait

SNACK
chocolate chip cookie. bad, but we had a monthly meeting here where they supply such extravagance. i ate one and i enjoyed every bite.

DINNER
left over turkey ziti. scott tried to talk me into pizza, but i was just too hungry to wait for that.

SNACK/DESSERT
nothing. my stomach wasn't happy the rest of the night. i think i have some aversion to turkey

i was going to work out yesterday, but i left my packed gym bag on the counter at home. sigh.

Weigh-in #2

ok, so i got on the scale yesterday and didn't like the number i saw. it didn't help that i didn't go #2 at all on sunday. so, i told myself that i would eat right on Monday, go #2, and then weigh myself on Tuesday. i did just that.

i got on the scale this morning and it said 159.8. ok, that sucked. i got on again. same thing. i put the scale on the rug, knowing it would probably show a better number. 155.0. i laughed out loud at my sneakiness. i put it back on the floor and got on again. 155. ooookay. i got on one more time. 155. ok! that's my number then!

so i'm not sure which is the correct number. i'm going for the best 3 out of 5. and we'll see what happens next week. sigh.

Monday, Dec 14

i'm sure you're all anxiously awaiting my most recent weigh-in numbers. i think i am going to make an executive decision and change my weigh-in day to friday. the weekends totally derail me and i notice that i am very apprehensive to weigh myself on mondays. maybe that should be a motivator, but it's just not. let's just say that lost pound came back. so i'm back where i started. on the plus side, i hadn't... um... used the facilities the previous day, so maybe i'll eat lightly today and weigh myself tomorrow. i just don't know.

BREAKFAST
skipped breakfast at home. not a good idea. i was shaky and anxious on my way to work and even after eating still can't seem to calm down.
weight control oatmeal
black tea w/equal


100 cal bag of craisins
20 oz diet pepsi i'm hoping to perk up a little. i still feel like i'm in a fog at 10:40am

LUNCH
lean cuisine ravioli

SNACK
100 cal popcorn

worked out. didn't eat enough, so ig ot shaky afterwards. whatta day.

SNACK
2 packs of 100 cal craisins
banana

DINNER
left-over ziti

DESSERT
edi's yogurt blends chocolate fudge something


i felt shaky before bed, so i ate a yoplait.

so what's up with people who can eat a lollipop and diet coke and be fine all day? why can't i do that? i can't just "cut back" and expect to be fine and carry on like usual. i get shaky and anxious and irritated. it was like i had PMS all day. and i felt like my brain was in a fog all day. it totally sucked

Sunday, Dec 13

I'm sore from the accident. lower back and shoulders and neck. thank god for heating pads and motrin.

BREAKFAST
burnt pancakes with smart something butter
blueberries with 2 tsp of raw sugar

i took a 3 hour nap.

LUNCH
rice krispies?

SNACK
no idea.

DINNER
turkey ziti

DESSERT
chocolate pudding with choco chips in it. bad.

Saturday, Dec 12

this day totally sucked. we got into an accident on the way out to cookie fest. maybe it was God telling me not to eat a metric ton of cookie dough, but i could have really done without it.

anyway, i ate kinda poorly, but tried to make up for it by working out. i went speed walking at the track before we left. i wanted to do 30 minutes, but could only do about 17 because i woke up too late and had to get home to take a shower.

BREAKFAST
rice krispies

SNACK
i forgot. yogurt?

LUNCH
3 pieces of thin crust pizza, 2 pepperoni, 1 cheese
one oreo

SNACK
none

DINNER
wendy's jr. bacon cheeseburger
fries
diet coke

SNACK
pudding

LATER SNACK
rice krispies

Friday, Dec 11

so, because i worked out yesterday, today i am going to be a ravenous food beast. i've already f*cked up and it's not even 8am.

BREAKFAST
rice krispies

BREAKFAST #2
1 piece of coffee cake :(

SNACK
yogurt w/almonds

LUNCH
turkey wrap w/ lettuce, tomato, olives, pickles
5 chips (they sucked)
i got really bad cramps during lunch. i'm not sure if the yogurt was bad or what

SNACK
none

DINNER
cereal
whole wheat toast
6 oz. OJ
stomach still crampy. i really wanted to work out,but my stomach wouldn't let me. so i doubt i'm going to lose any weight this week.

Thursday, Dec 10

i've been bad today. not only do i feel crappy, but it's super-cold outside, so i'm having a hard time refusing comforting sugar-filled foods. oh, and there are a ton of them at work today. sigh.

BREAKFAST
oatmeal w/ brown sugar and cinnamon

SNACK
1 pc. coffee cake :(
1 oatmeal chocolate chip cookie :(

LUNCH
lean cuisine ravioli

SNACK
popcorn
some chocolate chip oatmeal cookie crumbs :(

worked out. rode the bike for 30 minutes. not that pussy reclining bike, the one that's like a real bike. i played uno on my iPod touch while i rode.

SNACK
naked blueberry protein thingie
i got shaky while grocery shopping, so i grabbed one of those naked things and drank it while i shopped.

DINNER
sushi. hadn't had it in forever

SNACK
the usual chocolate pudding
yogurt before bed

Wednesday, Dec 9

so, it's been a week of my blogging. and my attempt to be healthier has backfired, since i stayed home sick today and slept 15 hours. yes, you heard me, 15 hours. but i still had to eat.

BREAKFAST
rice krispies

SNACK
sleep

LUNCH (@1pm)
leftover baked mac & cheese

SNACK
banana w/pb
yogurt

DINNER
cereal (yea, i know)

Tuesday, Dec 8

woke up this morning to snow. it wasn't supposed to snow until later today. well, mother nature had some other plans, i guess. we're supposed to get socked with snow all day today, tonight and into tomorrow. BRING IT ON, i say. my commute home should be interesting.

woke up still feeling like caca. super tired, headache, achy, dizzy. no fever, of course. my body couldn't give me the one thing that i need to be able to call in sick. i think this may be allergy related, but i just can't tell. i'm taking my allergy meds, so back off, cold/sinus thing. dammit.

BREAKFAST
Rice Krispies

SNACK
blueberry yogurt
almonds

LUNCH
lean cuisine cheese cannoli
popcorn

SNACK
banana w/PB

DINNER
WW baked mac & cheese (YUM!)

DESSERT
you know.

Monday, Dec 7

here we are, week 2. i know, i know. you're gonna say, "but kim, you only started blogging last wednesday." i know, smartass, but i started this healthy eating journey last monday. so nyah.

anyway, i woke up feeling pretty good. my stomach wasn't totally bloated and horrifying. i ate my oatmeal (most of it) and went on to work, where i drank my black tea and had a banana and raisins for a snack.

now my stomach is totally angry at me.

i'm not sure if it's something bad i ate last night or if it's an offender from today. there was a lot of pain a little bit ago and now i am just a bloatasaurus. no idea what it could be.

BREAKFAST
oatmeal w/brown sugar & cinnamon

SNACK
greenish banana (bleh)
handful of raisins

more later.

[LATER]

i worked out at bally's after work, despite my feeling yukky. i told myself that unless i was bleeding out of my eyes, i was going to work out. so i did. for 27 minutes. so there.

DINNER
i ate a bowl of cereal. i know, i said this was supposed to be a healthy eating journey, but hey, we all slip back to our old habits sometimes. especially when we're not feeling well. i have something that i just can't shake. i was so tired that cooking anything for dinner just seemed impossible. so Rice Krispies it was.

SNACK/DESSERT
the usual.

i woke up at 1:30 having to pee (as usual) and i felt so crappy. dizzy, achy, my stomach was growling but i wasn't hungry. i felt like i was going to pass out. so i ate a banana. about a half hour later, i fell back asleep. i hope whatever this is i have goes away soon. blah.

Weigh-in #1

total weight lost Week One: 1.2 pounds.

to be honest, i was hoping for more. but then, who isn't? i did eat pizza and hot dogs this past week. and i didn't work out at all. so i guess it could have been worse. this week starts my working out (groan) and i'm hoping i'll see some weight loss in the 2 pound arena. here's to hoping!

Dinner planning

it's sunday and the planning of the week must commence. i sat down with The Hubby and we talked about what to eat for dinner this week. here's what we came up with, in no particular order:

veggie stir-fry
turkey ziti (WW)
macaroni & cheese (WW)
salmon
chicken tikka masala

we could probably reduce this to three meals, since we had a lot of left-overs last week. so maybe i'll push one of those to the weekend. i'd like to start going out once a week, so we still get out of the house. not that order pizza hut got us out of the house. and we'll be spending more money on food we're cooking, but a lot less on lunches and dinners out. did i mention that my work has a cafeteria? like a full-on, hot food, like high school cafeteria? every day i can get a grilled cheese and fries if i want. bad mojo.

Sunday, Dec 6

been very tired this weekend. i took a 2.5 hour nap yesterday and i think i may do the same today. but here what i've been ingesting so far.

BREAKFAST
two bowls of rice krispies, supplemented with honey bunches of oats

LUNCH
turkey on ww whole wheat pita w/ mayo and black bean dip
raspberry cheesecake yogurt

we had our condo association meeting at noon. there are always horrible foods there and today was no different. dunkin donuts. but i resisted. not only are they bad bad bad, they give me heartburn. bleh.

tomorrow is my first weigh-in. and then, after work, i go to the gym. hurrah.

more later. nap time.

[LATER]
sleep does no good. but caffeine does!! hurray!!!

anyway...

SNACK
banana with peanut butter

DINNER
turkey burgers, small crappy white bun (bad), ketchup (good), mayo (bad), mozzarella cheese (eh).
baked potato with smart balance butter

DESSERT
the usual. what would life be without chocolate pudding?

who's excited for the weigh-in tomorrow?? i'm kinda apprehensive. i feel like i did pretty well this week (friday and saturday night notwithstanding), and i feel like less of a lard-ass. but will it be enough to make that scale say less than last week? really, if it says more, i am stapling my mouth shut.

keep your fingers crossed!!

Saturday, Dec 5

this weekend is kind of hard because i didn't plan it out food-wise. i really wasn't sure what i was going to do with the weekends, so i thought i'd play it by ear. so far, i haven't done too bad, but not having a routine on the weekends does mess with my hunger clock.

BREAKFAST
two bowls of rice krispies.

LUNCH
i waited too long between breakfast and now. not good.
blueberry-banana-vanilla yogurt smoothie
banana w/PB
100 cal. bag of cranberries

SNACK
WW whole wheat pita
black bean dip

DINNER
romaine salad with cukes, tomatoes, broccoli. light ranch.

This day was kind of light, so we're ordering pizza hut. i know, bad idea, but i did it under two conditions: 1. cheese only. 2. medium so not as many leftovers. we'll see how it goes.

[LATER]
i had 4 pieces in a very short period of time. they were totally awesome.

the broccoli gave me horrible gas.

DESSERT
fat free chocolate pudding w/ light cool whip.

we stayed up until 1am, so i had a yogurt cup at 12:30. ah, the good life.

Thank you, by the way

Thank you for all of the encouraging comments on my post. i appreciate all of the advice and good wishes. after seeing my two best friends and my mom lose 100+ pounds collectively, i have a lot of inspiration. and now i have another friend who will be joining me on the weight-loss band wagon. the next few weeks won't be easy, but i'm hoping that when i am having a hard time, i'll post here and you guys will provide me with the boost i need!

which is why i have left comments open for anyone who wants to. so feel free!

thank you again! i love you all!!

Friday, Dec 4

still feeling like a bloated camel. one hump or two, you ask? i'm not sure. either way, i'm ready to hit the oasis in my jammies.

part of the problem is that i got my feminine problem yesterday. only 10 more years until menopause! yay! anyway, the second day is always the worst. i'm extremely tired and zone-y, bloated and cramp-y. judging how i feel today probably isn't a good idea.

anyway, here's what i've eaten today so far:

BREAKFAST
oatmeal with brown sugar. i put some flax seed in, too, but had to stop half way to go to the bathroom. ;) i put the left overs in the fridge.

SNACK
ok, here was my problem all morning. i'm craving something, but i can't figure out what. i drank my tea, nothing. i ate some almonds. nothing. i searched my inner soul for what i could cram into my karmic cake-hole, but nada. i told myself, "you just need some diet pepsi." i dug out my change, but then decided that's not what i really want. then i thought, with change in hand, maybe i wanted a candy bar, something chocolate. i almost fell for it, but then i put my money back, dug out a fat-free pudding cup and ate that. problem solved!

LUNCH
didn't want my left-over lentils and rice wtih onion. so i got a cajun chicken sandwich from the cafeteria instead. not the healthiest choice i could have made... wait, i think it was from that cafeteria. anyway, it was breaded (bad) and i ate it with a whole wheat bun (not as bad, but still bad). i put lettuce and tons of tomatoes on it (good). put mayo on it sparingly (eh). didn't get the fries or chips with it (good!). drank a 16oz. diet pepsi with it (meh). ate the whole damn thing. it was really good. and the breading was crispy, not soggy like the last breaded gross chicken thing i ate last time.

so now me and my uterus are just chillin' out in my cube, dreaming of pajama bottoms and down comforters and snuggly cats and husbands. TGIF.

more to come later.

[LATER]
SNACK
100 calorie microwave popcorn
banana w/PB

DINNER
i didn't do so good here. we went to charcoal delights and i ate a hot dog. with mustard, pickles and relish. it came with fries, of which i only ate the crispy ones, which wasn't many. and instead of finishing them, i threw them away, much to the protest of my husband.

DESERT/SNACK
fat-free pudding w/ light coolwhip. this is the bomb.

Thursday, Dec 3

today is my work's holiday party. my problem has always been sweets. if i see available sweets, i will eat them. especially chocolate. and i will go back for more. so today will be interesting because i'm not sure how this is going to be set up. i heard there will be treats, but i've never been here for a holiday party before, so i am going to be totally unprepared. i will try to save some of my calories so i can have SOMETHING, but i'm going to TRY REALLY HARD not to eat too much bad stuff. and usually at holiday parties, there's nothing but bad stuff.

wish me luck.

BREAKFAST
oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamon.
my goal is to reduce the amount of brown sugar i need to make this dish palatable.

SNACK
lemon yogurt w/ slivered almonds

LUNCH
Lean Cuisine Ravioli
banana

[LATER]

HOLIDAY PARTY
carrots
5 blue corn chips with salsa
tiny bit of guac
some strawberries and kiwis and grapes
2 small chocolate cookies
small cheesecake tartlet
can of diet pepsi

DINNER
1 piece left-over pizza
(pudding cup with light whipped topping) <-- didn't eat
romaine, cucumber, light ranch <-- ate this instead. aren't i good? barf. my husband is eating one with me for solidarity. :) he's so sweet.

i have class tonight, so i'll probably have some more snack-like edibles but nothing substantial. having class until 9:30 sucks. never again.

Wednesday, Dec 2

OK, here's what i ate yesterday:

BREAKFAST
fruit smoothie

1/2 c. blueberries
1 small banana,
2 TBSP vanilla low fat yogurt
a splash of almond milk

a little thick, but it did the trick. ha! that rhymed!

SNACK
strawberry shortcake yoplait yogurt with almonds

LUNCH
ravioli lean cuisine
low fat chocolate pudding
salad

spring mix
spinach
cucumber
black olives
FF italian
a blob of ranch
5 croutons

SNACK
banana w/PB
string cheese

DINNER
whole wheat pizza with red peppers and black olives, reduced fat mozzarella

here i am again

still battling with my fat ass. i have been hovering around the same weight since August, that i know of. my goal is to lose 15 pounds by my birthday, march 6. that doesn't seem too hard.

my problem is i like to see results RIGHT NOW. especially with all the effort that has to go into this, i want instant gratification. when i don't get it, i assuming i'm failing and i stop. i go back to eating whatever the heck i want. ah, the good life.

well, it ain't so good anymore. i feel and look terrible. so here are my short-term goals:

1) eat more "super"foods, foods that are healthier for you than, say, a candy bar. these foods include almonds, blueberries, apples, broccoli, whole grains, tomatoes, bananas, that kind of crap.
2) drink more damn water. i hate drinking water... until i start drinking water. then it's great! but these last few weeks, i've been drinking nothing but Diet Pepsi (sometimes caffeine free). but that's not good. so... water.

once i do those two things for about a week, i'm going to start walking, yet another thing that i can't seem to keep up. now it's getting cold and i HATE the gym. hate. despise. so i either suck it up and go outside or do 500 laps around my condo. or... sigh... go to the gym.

my problem with working out is that i usually get sick after i work out a couple days. i get really really really tired and achy and generally feel run down. i don't know why this is, but i figure that if i ply my immune system with some ammo, i might fare a little better.

wish me luck.

and to prove my accountability to everyone, here is my weight loss ticker: